Let’s talk about racial dating preferences. There’s nothing wrong with loving who you love and being attracted to who you’re attracted to. Who knows why or how people fall in love?

But what happens when your dating preferences are impacted by white supremacist ideology? Then the answer isn’t so simple, is it?

When I was in college, I did a lot of super-religious extracurricular activities that were pretty diverse but also heavily racially stratified—think purity culture, so there was a lot of incentive to marry quickly after graduation. After I left college, I noticed a curious thing: the white women mostly married within 1-3 years; the Asian women married not long after that, within 3-5 years; and almost all of the Black women I met through those groups are still unmarried almost 15 years later. That doesn’t surprise me at all. It shouldn’t surprise you either.

In a 2014 study, OkCupid users ranked Black women and Asian men as “least attractive.” White men were ranked the highest by women of all races. Black women were rated as “least desirable” by men of every race. Other studies have shown that “Black women in the US marry less than others - and the numbers are even lower for darker skinned black women.” So what gives?

The fact is, who we love is subtly and not so subtly influenced by society and its rigid racial hierarchies. The racism that permeates almost every aspect of our everyday lives extends to our dating preferences. Why wouldn’t it? We don’t work, travel, or get outside in a bubble. Why would dating be any different?

Here are 11 scenarios that offer clues that you may need to rethink your “racial dating preferences.” If your “preferences” exclude entire groups of non-white people who—what a coincidence!—are also marginalized and dehumanized by society, you need to stop and reflect. Love is love but colorism is also colorism, internalized racism is internalized racism and anti-Blackness is anti-Blackness. Let’s do better in 2022.

Trigger Warning

This article is about the harm caused by “racial dating preferences.” It includes scenarios of what dating can look like when we refuse to dismantle our own internalized racism, anti-Blackness, colorism, misogyny, homophobia, fatphobia and more. As a result, this content contains extremely triggering language and is not suitable for younger readers. Lastly, #10 references disordered eating.

How to read this article

So you see yourself in some of the scenarios described below, what should you do next? Melanin Base Camp honestly doesn’t care who you’re dating (no offense). We are more interested in whether you are aware of the various ways that internalized racism shows up in your life and whether you have the tools to dismantle it. If you date no one and yet refuse to acknowledge the harm caused by internalized racism, you are worse off than someone with a long history of white supremacist dating patterns who is taking steps to decolonize their way of thinking.

A very important disclaimer

You can date mostly white people or even all white people for many reasons that do not include a racial preference. So if you don’t see yourself reflected in any of the scenarios below, then this isn’t about you. If it don’t apply, let it fly.

Finally, this article isn’t prescriptive and it doesn’t contain relationship advice. So leave your partners out of this, please.

11. White and at least six feet tall…

Growing up, your immediate family members frequently made colorist comments within earshot of you and your siblings. At large family gatherings, brown-skinned aunties you barely knew pinched their own flat noses ruefully while complimenting your pale skin, straight nose and high cheekbones. Meanwhile, your darker-skinned siblings were given bleaching creams and told to stay out of the sun. You weren’t the source of the colorist comments but you didn’t exactly speak up either. I mean, you were a kid! And over time you simply internalized them and came to associate attractiveness with white or very light skin, European facial features and a jawline visible from space. 

Not to mention, it was simply expected by your parents that you would find a white partner. They talked about your future multiracial children as if the decision were set in stone. Meanwhile they expressly forbade you to ever bring home a Black partner even though you didn’t have any Black friends then and still don’t. 

As you got older, Hollywood’s leading men filled in where your family left off by helping you round out what you considered attractive and masculine—white and at least six feet tall. Even though you attended a diverse magnet high school before matriculating to a large university in NYC, it’s hard for you to be attracted to anyone who doesn’t meet those criteria. But racial dating preferences are just that, right? You like who you like. Besides, love is love. And you happen to exclusively love tall white guys with chiseled jaws. What’s wrong with that? 

10. #TeamSwirl

You’ve been #TeamSwirl for as long as you can remember. You grew up around extended family members who talked openly about which racial combinations make the most attractive offspring and which to avoid. Your aunties all married white partners and had biracial offspring which made you one of the few darker-skinned cousins. So much attention was given to your younger cousins’ loose curls and light complexions at family gatherings and especially out in public. Complete strangers would often approach to touch their hair (without permission) and ask what they were “mixed with.” Complete strangers would comment how beautiful they were.

No one ever approached you in public to offer compliments on your skin tone, thick curly hair or full lips. No one ever asked what you were mixed with. You focused on what you could control - your weight - and it plummeted. But even then, no one seemed to call you pretty. No one asked you out at school.

When you finally did get asked out in college, your Aunties worried that this was the wrong type of swirl. They encouraged you to find someone with lighter skin and a straighter nose who would balance out your facial features and lighten your future offspring—or, you know, help them look more attractive and get ahead in life. You want to tell them off but you keep thinking about how unhappy you were as a child. Maybe your Aunties are right. You don’t want to have ugly mixed kids, after all. 

9. …for you to date a Black American

Your parents made it abundantly clear throughout your childhood that they did not immigrate to America (and leave their large extended families and careers behind) for you to date a Black American. This was always confusing since your parents also have black skin. But they don’t see themselves as Black. They identify as immigrants and they feel a strong attachment to their homeland. They are afraid of downward mobility, terrified of assimilating into the negative racial stereotypes that they and society perpetuate against African Americans.

You came out to them a year ago and that did not go well. You’re not ready to push them on this. Plus, they’ve already met your white nesting partner and they approve of their very successful family. It’s like someone literally took a weight off their shoulders—one less thing for them to worry about. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a big deal to only date white people. 

8. …Brown girls are for keeping your parents happy

You have every intention of marrying a Brown girl–your parents are already working with a matchmaker. She’ll be from your parent’s religious sect, your parent’s hometown and everything. But you don’t date Brown girls. You exclusively date white girls and you plan to marry brown. That’s always been the arrangement. Nothing wrong with having a little fun. White girls are for fun and Brown girls are for keeping your parents happy–for having someone to pay half the mortgage, look great, cook, clean and raise children for you. You don’t make the rules, you just live by them. You should probably let your white girlfriend know that cuffing season is ending soon. Well,  if we’re being honest, it’s turning into shaadi season and she’s not invited. 

7. Pelo malo

Growing up, you constantly heard about your pelo malo. All of the kids in your extended family were given nicknames that specifically referred to their skin color and you were the only prieta—something you’ve always hated—even though your parents used it affectionately. You noticed that none of your blanquita cousins were told to stay out of the sun to avoid getting any darker or lectured about their pelo descuidado.

It has made it really difficult to love yourself much less love other women who look like you, even though you’ve known you were gay since you were 12. On dating apps, you always swipe left on women whose bodies look like yours—with darker skin, curves, stretch marks and thick, curly hair. It’s not your fault that you’re exclusively attracted to white women with blue eyes, blonde hair and barely there bodies that have never been yelled at for taking up too much space on the bus or subway.

Being around these women, you’re confident, will make you feel better, prettier and more accepting of yourself. Dating these women will make you the best possible version of yourself. And if it doesn’t, at least maybe you’ll finally get some respect from your family which has never taken your queer identity seriously anyways.

6. …Someone who looks like you

You couldn’t possibly date someone else who looks like you. For starters, you just don’t feel attracted to other Asian Americans. If you think too hard about why, you may not like the answer. After all, liking yourself is hard enough. You’ve always associated being Asian and being the child of immigrants with sticking out in negative ways. On the other hand, you’ve always subconsciously associated whiteness with safety, success, popularity, and, let’s face it, the top of the racial hierarchy. You never even considered looking for an Asian partner or a non-white partner. That’s like going the wrong direction if you were to be completely honest. That’s something people who aren’t assimilated do—not like you, who grew up “American” while being mistaken for the only other Asian kid in your class. And as frustrating as it is to be fetishized by white people; as frustrating as it is to constantly be asked ‘where are you really from?; as frustrating as it is to be someone’s “first”, you know deep down that you would never date someone who looks like you.

5. They’re more submissive…

You don’t date Polynesian girls. It’s nothing personal; you just have special interests and they aren’t into those things. Like, you’ve always been really into trail running, craft beer and rock climbing. You don’t know any Poly girls who like doing those things. You don’t trash talk them online or anything. It’s not like that. It’s just, well, you don’t do drama and everyone knows they can also get a little crazy.

But it’s mainly the fact that you’ve done a lot of outdoorsy stuff with women you’ve dated in the past, so it’s important that whoever you date is also into that. Sure you’ve gone on dates with white women who didn’t mention anything outdoorsy in their profiles, but that was different. Yes, you asked them out on hikes, but you also knew they’d probably say yes because white people are always game for that sort of thing. Let’s face it; if you ever met a Poly girl who liked hiking–well, she’d probably already be dating a white guy. Anyways, you really prefer white women if you’re being completely honest. They’re more submissive and less argumentative than Poly girls. It’s just a personal preference. 

4. They make you feel successful

The simple fact is that you prefer dating white women. They make you feel successful—respected. You’ll date light-skinned Latinas if need be but white feels right. There’s nothing wrong with being ambitious and you have ambition in spades. You are going places and you need a partner who reflects that. You don’t mind admitting that you are not attracted to Black females. They are too dark, too ghetto and too loud. There’s nothing soft or feminine about them at all. Even though you were raised by a Black mother, that doesn’t change how you feel. You love backcountry camping but your pet peeve is Black girls who claim to be outdoorsy and aren’t. You dislike bald-headed Black girls; you dislike Black girls who wear lace fronts; you dislike Black girls with box braids and Black girls with twist outs. They care more about their fake hair and fake nails than mountaintop sunrises or swimming in alpine lakes. Wait, what was the question again? Why do you exclusively date white women? Well, that’s obvious. You like the fact that they’re not Black. 

3. You’re used to being ‘the only one’

You’ve never really given much thought to who you’re attracted to. It’s more like who you’re not. You’ve only ever swiped right on or dated white people. It just makes sense. You grew up in mostly white neighborhoods, attended mostly white schools, rebuffed your parents' efforts to pass on their culture when you were a child because you didn’t want to stand out from your white peers. You attended a predominantly white institution (PWI) and, after graduation, left to work for a large firm in a diverse city where you quickly formed a tight-knit circle of mostly white friends.

If you’re being completely honest, you’re used to being “the only one.” Being around other people who look like you makes you mildly uncomfortable. It’s not something you seek out. And you prefer to spend your time and money escaping the city each weekend to hike and camp and climb. It’s far too late to switch things up now. It feels safer and easier to keep this thing—whatever it is—going. To have only white friends and to date only white people and to avoid people who look like you for the rest of your life, lest you feel judged. Lest you feel vulnerable. It’s just a preference after all. You can’t help who you’re attracted to and you don’t really like where this conversation is headed.

2. You also lock your car door

Growing up, the only Black men you were exposed to were the ones in your family. Your parents wanted to give you the best possible opportunities in life so they raised you in all white neighborhoods and educated you in all white private schools. They were too busy securing your future to bother with exposing you to Black culture or people and now you just feel awkward trying to talk to Black men on dating apps.

You make the same assumptions about them that society does. They can’t possibly like the same things that you do. They can’t possibly be interested in snowboarding or board games or live-streaming on Twitch. When you see Black men at the trailhead, you also lock your car door. You can’t help it.

Media depictions of Black men are really all you’re familiar with. You just don’t know them well enough. It doesn’t occur to you that they are unique, individual people with unique, individual interests, emotions and personalities—the way you instinctively understand white people to be. Why would you? Society has never painted them as anything but threatening and that is all you know.

1. Mejorando la raza

You’ve noticed a trend in your large extended family. As each successive generation becomes more upwardly mobile, their partners also become lighter and lighter or whiter and whiter. The houses get bigger, the education becomes more costly and entire races are no longer seen as viable potential partners. No one bats an eye. Everyone seems to think this is completely normal, even. Racial dating preference is a personal thing, obviously. It’s not something your family talks about. Love is love. It’s just weird that so many people within the same race, the same family and the same income tax bracket seem to be making the same exact choices—to exclusively date white people. It feels weird that your relatives seem to choose neighborhoods, leisure activities, careers based on how few people of color are present—while also complaining vehemently about this. Meanwhile their biracial children are deliberately deprived of access to their culture, peers, language and more because their parents are more concerned with getting them into wealthy school districts. But you also don’t give a fuck. You’re 18, your side of the family is not well off—not even close, and your single mom doesn’t care who you date. The fact that your wealthy relatives don’t understand the link between classism, racism and ‘racial dating preference’ is not your problem. They think that just because no one explicitly refers to mejorando la raza, it doesn’t exist.  

Q.&A.

Why are you attacking interracial relationships?

Hello reader. This article is about racist dating preferences. If you date interracially, that’s great—so do I. If you have racial dating preferences that align with white supremacist ideology—well that is a big fucking problem. The end.

Okay, I feel horrible after reading this. What happened to interracial relationships good? Loving Day! Yeah!

Interracial relationships are good. That hasn’t changed. We unequivocally support them here at Melanin Base Camp. No relationship exists in a vacuum, however. In the same way that people bring a lot of baggage into the outdoors (like colorism, casteism and anti-Blackness), we also bring a lot of baggage into relationships with other people that needs to be deconstructed. This article is about the harm inflicted by racial dating preferences. If your “dating preferences” exclude entire races of non-white people—who are also marginalized by society—you need to stop and reflect. Hopefully, this article helps you do just that. 

Wait, didn’t Martin Luther King fight in the Civil War and sacrifice his life so his people could date outside their race or something? Pretty sure there was a speech. Why is this a negative thing? 

[Silence]…please see above.

I’m just not attracted to ___________ people. I don’t see why I need to apologize for it. It’s MY preference—not yours. Worry about your own life.

Here we go again: If your  “dating preference” excludes entire groups of non-white people who are—what a coincidence!—also marginalized and dehumanized by society, your dating preferences are racist.

If you’re struggling with this, just wait until we tell you that—you might want to be seated for this one—saying “I don’t date trans people” or “I don’t date fat people” is also messed up. Are you really not attracted to fat people or have you internalized every hateful stereotype that society has about fat people—in the same way that you’ve come to believe every racist stereotype the media has about Black women being “too masculine” or Asian men being “not masculine enough.” Would you even know the difference? Do you know where society’s messaging ends and your own “preference” begins? I bet you don’t. Have you given much thought to your dating preferences or is it easier for you to simply pretend that they don’t exist - that you just randomly fall in love with the same narrowly-defined “type” over and over again.

Here’s the thing: no one can tell you how or when to fall in love. No one can tell you how or when to feel that spark. You are not required to be attracted to every single person from a particular demographic; however, you don’t get points for aligning your dating preferences with racism, ableism, fatphobia or transphobia. You do get homework. Please find a therapist. Heal. Work on self-love. Work on minimizing the harm you inflict on more marginalized people with intersecting identities.

I’m feeling pretty righteous after reading this; I don’t do any of that. 

This article is focused on race, however, many of our white supremacist dating preferences also exclude entire groups of people for being disabled, low-income or trans. Or, as this TikTok user points out, we may insist that fat people are beautiful while our actual dating patterns say otherwise. Even how we form platonic friendships or professional relationships says otherwise. Our actions reveal that we really only value able-bodied, cisgender, straight-sized individuals who are either white or ‘close enough’ to white standards of beauty.

No one is saying you have to be attracted to all fat people, or all trans people, or all Black people, but to say outright that you won’t date them because they are fat, or trans or Black is harmful. To think this, even without saying it, is still harmful. To do this, even without admitting it to yourself, is still harmful.

I’m a Black woman and I only date other Black women and femmes.

That’s great. For anyone else who thinks this is a double standard, please start at the beginning of this article and re-read. If that doesn’t help, feel free to leave a nasty comment below.

Can I have a racial dating preference that isn’t racist?

Sure. If your racial dating preference doesn’t align with white supremacist ideology, this article isn’t about you. That includes Black people who prefer to date other Black people, Indigenous Two Spirits who prefer to date other Indigenous Two Spirits and so on.

What’s wrong with #8? That’s basically reparations—but for Brown men. 

No, it’s misogyny.