Finding new friends in your 30s is hard. If it feels like most people have a ‘no new friends’ policy, that’s because they do. But also, we may just be out-of-practice. Making friends is a use-it-or-lose-it skill that many of us never expected to have to pull off the shelf again. But then life happened; friends moved away and group chats gradually went silent. Some of us outgrew friendships—or worse—found ourselves on opposite sides of important human rights issues. So here we are, in our 30s, feeling lonely and slightly embarrassed. What do we do now?

If this describes you, you are not alone. Here are six steps I’m also following to make friends and build community in my thirties.

1. Take yourself on solo dates

By now, you’ve complained to your sibling, significant other, and childhood best friend back home, that you feel lonely. It’s time to put a plan into action. Step one is leaving your apartment or house and putting yourself out there. Because no one will find you in your living room.

Let’s see what your town or city has to offer. Summer and Fall are great times to check out your local library, festivals, fairs, farmers markets and seasonal events designed to bring folks together. You can also check the “being a better community member” box by supporting librarians, makers, growers, nonprofits and small owned businesses. At the same time, you’re acclimating yourself to going to events on your own. The goal isn’t to meet someone new necessarily but to find the third places you love and enjoy (Target doesn’t count) where you might come across other like-minded people. Think of it as practice.

That isn’t always easy, especially if you’ve spent the past couple of years at home raising small children or focused on work and rent, or trying to survive a global pandemic. That’s everyone.

But what about those of us who live in small towns?

I’ve lived in small towns and large cities across the U.S. I’ve made a habit of taking myself on solo dates but they looked very different depending on where I was living.

In small towns, my third places were church, run club, the bookstore, bible studies in private homes, the coffee shops that played Jesus music and the lone cafe that didn’t. I also went to every local parade and no-headliner concert because everyone did. I went to every festival whether the focus was boll weevils, apple butter, or rubber duck racing. Yep.

I occasionally drove 1-3 hrs to a nearby city to visit a real bookstore and to attend bigger-name concerts. So I get it, solo date options are very limited if you live in a small town. It’s hard to get out alone in public and when you do, you run into half the office, or small group. And knowing lots of people isn’t the same as having lots of friends.

Now that I live in a mid-sized city, there are museums, art galleries and book talks at my local library and pub. There are after-hours events at the botanical gardens, and outdoor concerts and guided urban hikes. There are so many options and no one knows my name. It’s liberating but can also feel incredibly lonely, you know? 

Whether you live in a big city or small town, the point is to get outside and socialize. That could mean checking out the local football game or bluegrass event even if you don’t care about either. It’s something to do–especially if it’s free. 

If you already take advantage of low cost and no cost events in your area, that’s great! If not, try going to an event on your own and talking to someone new.

If the idea of going to an event on your own seems terrifying, go with someone you know (like your partner) and take 10 minutes to walk around on your own before meeting back up with them. If that is still a definite ‘hell no’, sign up for an online event and turn your camera on.

2. Volunteer locally

Now that you’re gotten some practice going to local events on your own, it’s time to try an activity that just might lead to a new friendship and that will also make you a better community member—volunteering. 

Check out www.volunteermatch.org or Google ‘volunteer options near me’ and set up a weekly or biweekly reminder in your calendar. Don’t schedule over it.

Small Towns

Live in a small town with fewer options? Start with a local faith organization. Oftentimes in small towns, they manage food pantries, gently-used clothing donations, and diaper/period product banks. They also distribute free meals, offer respite-care for caregivers and provide free childcare a few times a week. Yes, many proselytize and judge others. Volunteering with a faith organization tends to work best if you already ‘look and think like them’. However, the role that faith organizations–especially Black and Brown ones—play in community care and social activism is too significant to overlook. This is especially true if you live in a small town. Start here.

And yes, giving to others has reciprocal benefits. Keith from outreach doesn’t just use his Dodge Ram to deliver firewood to senior adults; he will also pick up your new couch from the ReStore across town. 

Cities

Live in a bigger city? The good news is there are far more volunteer options and you don’t need to know the Sermon on the Mount. Just pass a background check. 

Interested in the legal system? Become a court appointed special advocate for a child experiencing neglect or abuse; join other prison abolitionists and court watch; or become a child advocate for unaccompanied child migrants. You can also bail out mothers and caregivers, or support LGBTQ+ youth impacted by incarceration. 

Committed to fighting housing insecurity? Staff a crisis hotline for a domestic violence safe house; volunteer with a transitional housing program; redesign a website for a low-barrier shelter; or serve meals, assist with intake and help residents access social services. 

Want to end food apartheid? Volunteer with nonprofits that redistribute perishable food from supermarkets and restaurants to local shelters and food pantries; put in hours at a community garden or at a local food bank; flex your bilingual skills at a SNAP outreach event; or deliver groceries to income-eligible senior adults. 

Interested in health equity? Get certified as a translator; organize and mobilize around reproductive justice for immigrant communities; or volunteer at a federally qualified community health center.

Care about the environment? Take your pick of the local conservancies, riverkeepers, and ‘friends of’. Clean up trailheads and watersheds; restore wetlands; tear up non-native plants and plant native ones. Or put your advocacy skills to work alongside marginalized Black and Brown communities most impacted by water and air pollution and the park equity gap. Help them petition local governments to stop their neighborhoods from being targeted for destruction and torn apart by endless highway construction.

And as this 19-year-old TikTok creator pointed out, more leftists need to get offline to practice being better community members in the real world. One way we can do that is by volunteering. It’s also a great way to meet other people who share your values.

3. Host a dinner  

When I was in my early 20s, I was part of a small group of single professionals that began gathering on Sunday nights to share a meal. Meat was grilled, salad was tossed and bread was served along with drinks. And we all ate together. It was such a nice tradition while it lasted and a great way to combat the Sunday Scaries. It also helped create a sense of community even though I was not particularly close with anyone there.

I’m not suggesting you invite strangers into your home and cook for them. I am suggesting you invite your new acquaintances to share the cost of ingredients, cook together and enjoy a meal. It doesn’t have to be every week and it doesn’t necessarily need to be at your place. Maybe someone else in the group has a larger apartment. But there’s a reason food is central to so many gatherings from post-hike IPAs to church potlucks to Nigerian hall parties. Food has a way of bringing people together.

What I don’t suggest is that you try to go at it alone or shoulder the cost of food and drinks all by yourself. Opening your space up to acquaintances is being a good host. If you insist on paying for everything, you’ll feel less inclined to do this again in the future. This will lead to burnout even if you like playing host. Share the cost and make family-style meals a sustainable habit.  

If the thought of someone else in your kitchen makes your skin crawl, enlist their help in other ways. They can slice bread or make a charcuterie board, out of your way so you can attend to the main dish. Or prep that main dish ahead of time and pop it in the oven when they arrive. Problem solved. Another option is to organize a potluck and ask everyone to bring a dish; pre-cooked meals will keep your kitchen people and clutter free. There are so many workarounds! The point is to fellowship over food without paying exorbitant DoorDash or UberEats fees. And without spending money you don’t have on dinner and drinks.

Still don’t want people in your home? Meet at a local park instead.

4. Organize a park hangout

I have officially been to three park hangouts this summer and they were all surprisingly more enjoyable (and slightly more expensive) than I thought they would be. Here are a few lessons learned and ways to get the cost down.

Instead of waiting for a community event or for someone to invite you, make your own plans for a park hangout with a few acquaintances.

Step 1: Invite more than one person so if someone cancels your plans won’t fall apart. And don’t forget to send text reminders. You’ve reached the slightly annoying part of making new friends. Acquaintances—even the really amazing ones you met at the food bank or put-in or trailhead, don’t know you well and are more likely to cancel last minute than someone who does. But this article is about making new friends, so risk will be involved. 

Step 2: Choose a weekend when most people in your group chat will be free, and a location that is convenient to public transportation and/or parking. Look for shade, picnic tables and public restrooms. 

Step 3: And don’t forget to split costs. My biggest lesson learned is that buying chocolate, fruit, cheese, crackers, prosciutto, salami, soppressata, vegetables, and bread is incredibly expensive. Even if you skip the charcuterie and prepare your favorite foods at home to share—that still costs time and money. So please, please, share the cost.

One person could bring cold beverages and a blanket, another could bring cut fruit, and another could prepare a cold dish to share. Everyone could bring their own reusable cup and perhaps a book or maybe a slackline for entertainment. Share the mental load, split the cost and don’t worry about everything being perfect. The idea is to hang out with your friends in the shade in a public park. The ants will ultimately spoil any perfection you had in mind, so aim for ‘good enough’! 

Park hangouts also work well as solo dates. The upside is you don’t have to carry as much stuff. Bring whatever you need to stay hydrated and relax. I recommend pairing a favorite snack with an enemies to lovers paperback from your nightstand.

Lastly, I think Pinterest has us convinced that picnics require cold Italian meats and cheese. They absolutely do not. If you don’t enjoy those on a regular basis, you probably won’t enjoy them on a picnic blanket in 90 degree heat. Bring food you actually like. 

But if you’d rather scan a menu than make one, no worries, you might be more interested in a social club.

5. Join a social club 

If you live in a major city, you may have a lot of options for social clubs. They’re another great way to make friends. 

NYC

Okay, so we can’t talk about social clubs in NYC without mentioning long standing community pillars like La Nacional, which has served Latinx immigrant communities since it was founded in 1868. Newer social clubs like Toñita’s (1973), the Haitian American Community Coalition (1982), Mami Chulas (2018), La Sala de Pepe (2021) and Latino Outdoors continue to foster a sense of belonging. The city is also home to the Black Girl Social Club whose 3,000 members are committed to fostering friendships between Black women. Want to connect with other Black and Brown runners? Check out run clubs like Boogie Down Bronx Runners, Harlem Run, Bronx Nomads, Bronx Sole and Black Girls Run. Or learn how to paddle with the Hudson River Riders. Looking for AANHPI community? NYC South Asian Social Club organizes comedy events, bar nights and social activities. Or gather with other 20-somethings to play mahjong at the Green Tile Social Club. Want to connect with other entrepreneurs? Join the Asian Founders Club for game nights, dinner parties and happy hours. Meet a workout buddy at Asian Trail Mix or combine social activism and interval training with Chinatown Runners. Or enjoy a night out with Gay Asian Pacific Islander Men of New York (GAPIMNY)

DENVER

Are you new to Denver? City Girls Who Walk Denver meets every Sunday at Washington park. They also host social events and group travel. Hi Neighbor offers monthly community meals and opportunities to make new friends. The Sapphic Social Club hosts events with proceeds benefiting organizations that serve the LGBTQIA community. Black Girl Social Club also has a Denver chapter. Check out historic Denver social clubs like the Owl Club which awards scholarships and hosts an annual Black cotillion. Or hike with local chapters of Outdoor Asian, Latino Outdoors and Outdoor Afro; run with local chapters of Black Girls Run, Latinos Run and Black Men Run; and get outside with Vibe Tribe Adventures.

PORTLAND

Portland social clubs include PDX Black Excellence which hosts networking, community and cultural events. Then there’s PDX Queer Asians which organizes meetups for LGBTQ+ Asian Americans, Native Hawaiians and Pacific Islanders. I also highly recommend Wild Diversity, a Portland-based nonprofit that runs outdoor adventures, workshops and events for 2SLGBTQ+ and people of color. Check out Meetup, Facebook, Eventbrite and Instagram for hiking groups; hiking and coffee groups; hiking and beer groups; and hiking and dating groups. Lastly, don’t forget to sign up for events with your local chapters of Outdoor Asian, Latino Outdoors and Outdoor Afro. 

SEATTLE

Seattle is home to 1.5 Gen Asians, an active meetup for “bicultural” Asian Americans in their 20s to 40s. You can also join the local Washington Outdoor Asian chapter. And don’t forget to grab a ticket for the annual Refuge Outdoor Festival in nearby Carnation, Washington. Join The Collective to enjoy day parties, roller skating, and speaker series on culture and tech. Their members are as diverse as their events. Or attend a street festival or gala hosted by El Centro de la Raza, “a voice and hub for the Latino community in King County.” It’s no surprise that there’s a lot of crossover between socializing and activism in communal spaces for people of color. That’s another reason why you should visit Daybreak Star Cultural Center in Discovery Park. It’s run by the nonprofit United Indians of All Tribes. Daybreak has a badass origin story—it began as a nonviolent takeover by activists of a former U.S. military base. Now it’s an art and cultural space that hosts events. 

WASHINGTON D.C.

Washington D.C. is home to so many different social, athletic, cultural, literary and networking groups—especially for people in their 20s and 30s. If you’ve got coin to spend, there’s also The Gathering, a members-only club that hosts meals, experiences and networking events catering to Black professionals, with affiliates in Atlanta, Houston, and Los Angeles. HQ DC House and Shanklin Hall have similar offerings. If you want to get outside, go for a run with The District Running Collective; hike and brunch with The Hike Crew; or bike with We Ride DC and Getting It In Cyclists. There are also many organizations that serve the LGBTQS2+ community including KhushDC for queer/trans South Asians; DC Black Queer Women; Asian and Pacific Islander Queers United for Action (AQUA) DC and more. 

SMALL TOWNS

If you live in a smaller town, it can feel like your options are limited to book club, Bible study and bingo nights at the VFW. Oh, and whatever MLM parties your high school friends drag you to. I have been there and it wasn’t easy. In the past, my social life mostly consisted of church events, coaching and being the only Black person at run club. I also spent a decent amount of time drinking beer in other people’s backyards because there was literally nothing else to do (I didn’t have Target money and we didn’t have a Target).

If this is your situation, I have some advice but you might not like it.

 6. Join a faith organization

Okay, hear me out, hear me out. 

As TikTok creator @luvlainey11 pointed out, many leftists are unwilling to engage with faith organizations (for good reasons) while ignoring the fact that religions have historically offered community, mutual aid and a sense of belonging that many people rely upon. So when leftists reject religion and offer nothing in return, we have a problem.

If you live in small town U.S.A., it might be time to get religion. Or at least, get a religious community, or something like it.

The churches I grew up in hosted Bible studies multiple times a week for all ages. Even if the religious dogma didn’t appeal to you, it was an opportunity to catch up and spend time with friends and peers. And for teens it was a chance to get together and make out away from prying parental eyes. Let’s gooo! I guess?

There was also childcare offered at every service, Bible study or small group. Worst case scenario, we would indoctrinate your child into believing in eternal damnation. Most likely scenario, they ate a crayon and watched Lion King (but not the scary parts). During the summer there was vacation Bible school where we would watch your child for free for an entire week. Who doesn’t like free childcare?

In case you don’t know, churches run off the unpaid labor of mostly women. From middle school until I left the church, I changed diapers, carried toddlers, sang songs, led arts and crafts, and supervised bouncy houses at Harvest Festivals.

These churches also offered potluck dinners and “fellowship” (food) after every service. And there were semiannual religious retreats that were subsidized or free. It’s kind of like sleepaway camp but for entire families. Mostly women would work together to prepare meals while older children watched younger children. If your norm was to be stuck at home with little ones this was still a break. 

Churches also offered support for families in need—no questions asked, no paperwork to prove income eligibility. If you needed food you could take it from the food pantry, if you needed diapers or period products those were available as well. There were also donated clothing and toys. Churches provided mutual aid without the dehumanizing experience of the unemployment office or health and human services.

Were you a full time caregiver in need of respite care? Yep, we had that. What about older adults who needed company. Check. Sick parishioners who needed a visit from the pastor or church volunteers? We had that too.

I’m not saying everyone should go out and join a church. Obviously U.S. churches have a lot of anti-Black, anti-Indigenous and anti-LGBTQ+ ideologies. They’re also a major source of religious trauma for many, including myself. But they‘re not just good at persecuting people who don’t look and think like them. They also know a lot about community building and maybe we should be taking notes. 

So, if you live in a small town and your options for community are limited or if you live in a large city and don’t have a good support system, maybe you should consider joining a faith organization. Because none of us are meant to go at it alone. We all need friendship and community.

It’s nice to be surrounded by people who share your values, but it’s also nice to get support when you’re behind on rent. It’s nice to know there’s someone who can pick you up from the hospital after surgery. It’s also nice to have access to free childcare weekly. Even if just for an hour or two. We all deserve community care. I’m not sure why religious people are so good at this and leftists aren’t. But the main takeaway is to evaluate your options and make your own decision.

I no longer live in a small town but if I did, I would probably still be active in a church or religious nonprofit—just to have friends, a social network and volunteer opportunities. 

Now I do my best to grab a drink or coffee with a different person each week. It isn’t the same. I definitely miss the uncomplicated ease of church “small group”—of connecting with the same humans each week inside of someone’s home over snacks and tea. I miss third places that don’t cost money.

I even briefly joined a free biweekly meetup at a nearby apothecary that involved astrology, herbal tea and people sharing short updates about their lives. I don’t know much about astrology but the experience reminded me of church fellowship—in a good way.

We all need social networks—we all need other people to survive.

If you live in a small town, please don’t isolate yourself because leftists on TikTok or Discord told you that ‘religious people are bad’. Find a community somewhere. Faith organizations—especially high demand religion—are far from perfect or even free of harm; then again, neither are non-religious spaces. Not a single one. So please don’t stay home. 

You don’t have to join a church either. Find some nice Wiccans or humanists to hang out with. The main point is to work with what you have and to find a supportive community.

To the rest of us, we obviously need to do better at building a community that meets each other’s needs and filling the massive gaps left by the U.S. government. We shouldn’t live in isolation, however tempting, when others need our support—and we need theirs.