Embracing Fear as a Whitewater Kayaker

The author being lowered into Vermillion Falls on Boulder Creek on Anishinabewaki ᐊᓂᔑᓈᐯᐗᑭ and Očhéthi Šakówiŋ land. (Photo courtesy of Priscilla Macy)

I have been participating in extreme sports for the better part of a decade in addition to my full time job as an arborist—a career that requires knowledge of rigging systems, climbing techniques and heavy machinery to prune and remove trees in urban areas. Exploring risk, as an arborist, surfer and kayaker, is a big part of who I am. 

That doesn’t mean I don’t experience fear. One of the scarier moments I’ve experienced on the river occurred a few years ago when I made a mistake and found myself trapped in an underwater cave for a short period of time.

So when folks ask how I manage to paddle the things I do or go to work without being scared of messing up, the answer is simple: I mess up and I also get scared. It's a truthful and easy answer. I try to limit my mistakes to easier rivers. When it comes to paddling more difficult and dangerous rivers, I listen to my gut and friends as to whether I should even be there or not. That’s my secret: a healthy dose of fear, plus lots of visualization, repetition and reevaluation. But it starts with practicing in less dangerous settings so that it’s easier to perform at a higher level when it counts. 

The author at work. (Photo courtesy of Foster Trees LLC)

I’ve spent a lot of time learning to coexist with fear, anxiety and danger. I have found that learning to recognize the differences between each is helpful. Fear and anxiety may be more amorphous - a sensation or a feeling - while danger is usually a something. There’s the acute fear of navigating a high-risk situation that allows for little margin of error or the general anxiety of watching a friend run a challenging drop for the first time. On the river, danger is the log spanning the river at chest level; the cave hiding behind the veil of the waterfall threatening to entrap you; or the decision to drive to the access point in terrible weather conditions.

Fear is a normal part of the experience, and yet, sometimes even that is absent. I once stood at the top of a very large waterfall and felt nothing. Completely flat. I could see my line and knew I would execute it perfectly. But I also could not tap into the hype, the nervous energy, positive or negative, that the rest of the crew was sharing. That absence of feeling allowed self doubt to creep in. 

Doubting yourself at the lip of a class V+ waterfall is not a good situation. Those are the moments when you must believe in yourself and perform as close to perfection as you can. I spoke with a close friend for a while before running the drop to decide if I was very much in the zone, or out of my depth. I ended up running the drop successfully, not as perfectly as I’d hoped but without injury or major event.

For me, being constantly aware of how dangerous certain rapids, runs or activities can be allows me to operate in a  state of heightened awareness in those places and situations. I am not, generally, complacent about the risks because they stay at the front of my mind. This doesn’t mean that at times I am not over confident. I have found it is important to have a healthy balance of the two. My goal is to be aware of the fear and use it to inform decisions but not let it make my decisions for me.

Participating in adventure sports often involves exposing yourself to fear and risk in semi-controlled environments. I can’t control the river but I can choose when to interact with it and how. I like to think of the fear I experience in those spaces as a chosen fear. When I approach difficult whitewater, or difficult situations, I generally enter the scenario having some idea of what could happen for better or for worse. This allows me to be able to confidently visualize consequences and outcomes. That often means making snap judgments and assessing risk in real time while paddling. Choosing when and how I am going to challenge myself allows me a lot of room to explore what makes me scared and how I am going to deal with it. That is part of the allure of adventure sports for many—a controlled thrill. These spaces offer a chance to alleviate some of the stress that uncontrolled scenarios, outside of extreme sports, can bring on.

Of course, life outside of kayaking has its own dangers that aren’t easily surmounted with repetition or experience. Completely unknown situations do stress me out! I choose to expose myself to high risk environments on the river, but life doesn’t always give me a choice. The dangers aren’t predictable and the outcome is rarely known.

For example I was in several car accidents as a child which left me with a deep distrust of being driven by others. I cannot reasonably prepare myself to be in car accidents so the lesson doesn’t exactly carry over. Even now as an adult, I have a fair amount of subconscious fear around being driven by others. Regardless of how close we become, I still feel unsettled while driving and I don’t take my eyes off the road for long even if we are deep in conversation. Even when I’m not behind the wheel, the fear is there, so my eyes are usually forward scanning for accidents. I tend to feel hyper vigilant on the road.

The author on Tsunami Falls, Stebbins Creek, Columbia River Gorge on Confederated Tribes of Warm Springs, Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde, Wasco and Wishram, and Confederated Tribes of Siletz Indians land. (Photo courtesy of C. Wray)

Outside of adventure sports, it’s also harder to figure out if the fear I’m experiencing is useful or not. A fear of failure might motivate me to work harder but it just as easily could cause my thoughts to spiral in a way that isn’t healthy. The same could be said for fear of emotional or physical injury. I may overcommit and find myself spread too thin or distance myself from the situation instead of even contemplating taking the risk. 

So contrary to popular belief, participating in adventure sports isn’t necessarily about overcoming fear. It can be, but it may be more accurate to say it is about learning to understand and navigate fear. Fear is useful. Fear is valid, important and necessary. Our fight or flight response helps keep us safe. It can help us safely negotiate the dangers we choose to expose ourselves to on the river and the dangers we involuntarily experience in life. 

Although the years of high risk adventure sports haven't eliminated my sense of fear they have allowed me to work through many other challenging situations in life. Things like my strong social anxiety, issues in relationships, and my day job have all brought me pause and stress. The lessons I’ve learned  around navigating my fear and anxiety have helped me navigate those more subtle issues as well. So here are six steps I use to confront fear in my life, on and off the river.

Six Steps

Below are six steps for confronting and managing fear that I have found to be useful in my own life.

1. Stop and identify what it is you are afraid of

   • Are you afraid of failing, injury (emotional or physical), or even trying?

   • Naming your fear can help you confront it, acknowledge it or, if necessary, compartmentalize it in order to address it later with the right resources.

2. Determine whether you have the necessary tools or support

   • In kayaking this can look like having friends talk you through difficult rapid sequences (beta), preparing for undesirable outcomes with strategic position of group members (setting safety) or finding ways to navigate around the source of anxiety without engaging with it (portaging).

3. Decide if “TODAY is the DAY”

   • Figuring out if that moment is the moment you confront your source of fear is difficult. Only you know. Your friends and family can help you get ready, suit up, and all the rest but in the moment - you're the one who is going to make the call if today is the day. Your friends can also support you and help you face your fear.

   • Sometimes today isn’t the day. It’s important to remember that, as with every chosen challenge, it will still be there tomorrow, or the next day. There is no time limit on confronting chosen stressors.

4. Visualize your success 

   • Visualization is a useful tool for physical and emotional challenges. But it be inherently stressful. Please consult your physician or medical professional if you feel that deep visualization could be challenging or risky for you.

   • See yourself performing the task, taking the risk, or having the conversation that scares you. 

   • Act out the task, if possible, while visualizing  it. 

   • Look, listen and feel how your body responds during the mental exercise.

   • Take note of those feelings. Are you expecting yourself to fail? Is your body twisting in a way you didn't expect, placing pressure in a space you didn't think it would?

5. Repeat

   • Once the fear is confronted (or saved for a later day) remember that confronting it once does not mean it is resolved. You have simply gained more experience. So the next time you confront that fear, you’ll have a better understanding of how it affects your performance and the tools you have to handle it. 

6. Rest and Have Fun

   • Take a break. If you've been trying to confront something for a long time, don’t forget to take a break. Poor practice can lead to poor performance.

   • Change takes time. Be kind to yourself.

The final gorge on the Upper Upper Washougal River on Stl’pulmsh (Cowlitz), Confederated Tribes of Siletz Indians and Qwû’lh-hwai-pûm (Klickitat) land. (Photo courtesy of Adam Edwards)

That last one is important in adventure sports and in life. One of the biggest hurdles new paddlers—and really anyone entering adventure sports—face is the desire to keep pushing. The industry, for better or worse, definitely elevates the pushers in a lot of ways. We are encouraged to go bigger, harder, maximize our output and SEND! 

That's not for everyone. Really, it isn't for most people. I came up in the kayaking community as a sendy, driven individual. I paddled a lot of things that were above my paygrade early on in my paddling career. I was lucky enough to not get seriously injured or lose any friends. Those experiences and losses came later when I was a bit more established in my circle of friends and in my community. Those folks and that support are the only reason I am still able to participate and a big reason I advocate for measured approaches, mentorship and stepwise progression.

In my experience sending all the time can lead to a world of cool outcomes but also can be detrimental to an individual, physically and mentally. Going full tilt after your goals, challenging every real and perceived fear along the way can create as much trauma as the stress you're trying to alleviate. Confronting fear still stirs up the same stress reactions that experiencing it does. So take time away for enjoyment. Go back to the easier river, the moderate crag, the short trail run or the picnic. Take time to enjoy what brought you to the edge. Taking that time to sharpen your skills will allow you to step back towards your fears confidently. You may find you return refreshed and ready to try again until you find the avenue that best serves you.

Thanks for reading!