4 Ways To Get Outside with Aging Parents of Color

I feel internal pressure to curate outdoor experiences for my family—especially for my Mom. I grew up with a lot more privilege and opportunities than she ever had and that thought has followed me my entire life. 

I have three siblings and we all enjoy being outside in different ways from hiking to concerts to afternoons at the playground or lake with toddlers. But even when my family members aren’t interested I still feel guilty—like I should be doing more to share the access I have to Nature with them. 

In the past few years, I’ve dragged my mom to the New River Gorge, to Grand Teton National Park and to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. We’ve hiked together in the Appalachian moutnains, enjoyed multiple farm-stays and even tried our hand at bee-keeping.

She’s 70 years old.

Maybe none of this makes sense. It’s possible that septuagenarians don’t want to hike for miles on semi-crowded trails but suppressing that logic is my overwhelming desire for her to have experiences that she didn’t have access to as the second oldest of ten; or as a mother of four children under the age of five; or even as an empty nester. And behind that is my own discomfort with aging and the fear of being separated from my mother one day. 

My therapist and I have spoken a lot about my need to curate experiences for my mom which don’t align with her health needs at the moment. I’ve explained how sad I feel that I won’t be able to share more of the amazing views I’ve been lucky to experience while hiking. My therapist’s recommendation was to sit with that sadness without taking any action—without planning another trip that will inevitably go sideways and end poorly for everyone involved. I wasn’t thrilled with her advice and the sessions ended in tears, but I think she’s right. 

I know I’m not the only one. Prior to COVID, my sister took my mom to plays and performances and hosted most holidays in her home; learning to cook my mother’s recipes while also trying to recreate the holiday magic that she had fostered for us throughout our childhood. We’re all focused on spending time with her in our own way.

At this point, multiple people have dropped gentle hints that I’m not going about it the right way though. Maybe you aren’t either. If you’re struggling with how to spend time with aging parents and family members, here are four ways to get outside! 

1. Don’t go outside

I know it’s counterintuitive, but staying indoors is an option. For some—not all of us—but for some of us, we’re past the moment of being able to get outdoors safely with our aging parents for reasons that may include end-of-life care, Alzheimers or dementia, severe mental illness, or just aging, etc. But there are still plenty of ways to bring the outdoors inside by bringing home flowers or potted plants, streaming wildlife television shows together, stocking the freezer with fish or venison, growing vegetables on a balcony, signing up for a Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) weekly produce delivery or sitting down and sharing stories of your outdoor adventures with family members—even if they may never experience those mountaintop sunrises or alpine lakes for themselves—and making your peace with that. Ay, there’s the rub.  

2. Go for an indoor walk

A walk is a great way to spend time with an aging parent. And it doesn’t have to be outdoors. Indoor shopping centers, especially aging malls, are ideal for vaccinated elderly family members. Air conditioning, flat surfaces and indoor plumbing—what’s not to love? This might not be your ideal option—after all, where’s the fresh air? The trails? The 270 degree views? The rock scrambles? The John Muir quotes?—but it may make sense for elderly family members or anyone who could benefit from benches, running water, trash cans and clean-ish facilities. And don’t forget family-sized bathrooms with grab bars, automatic doors and plenty of space for caregivers to help with toileting needs (or emptying foley or ostomy bags). The flat surfaces and elevators also work well for most mobility aids ranging from canes to motorized wheelchairs to wheeled oxygen totes.  

If walking laps around the mall isn’t your style, consider taking an elderly family member to the grocery store, dollar store, or local pharmacy during senior citizen hours; or to the bank or doctor’s appointment; or to the masjid for Friday prayers; or to the gurdwara for kirtan diwan. Mountains, rivers and waterfalls are wonderful but so is considering the actual needs of an aging parent or family member. Am I the only person guilty of not doing this well? White outdoor culture has wired my brain to insist that every outing be epic! Not helpful!

3. Go for an outdoor walk 

If you are set on an outdoor walk, keep it short and choose a time of day when temperatures are cooler in the summer or warmer in the winter. Try to stay close to home, if possible. Instead of being goal-oriented, focus on making the experience comfortable and enjoyable. 

Your elderly family member might not enjoy a crowded state park or a national park with buses and long lines. It might not be safe for them either. But they may enjoy a short walk at a nature preserve; an off-season stroll along an empty beach; or a loop around a local park or high school track—especially if there are water stations, bathrooms, benches, parking or public transportation nearby. 

For me, this is a reminder that unlearning the white supremacist narratives that dominate outdoor culture is an ongoing process. Even as a disabled person who should know better, I still have trouble simply being present in Nature in a way that doesn’t involve a waterfall, mountaintop, or destination hike. That definitely affects how I spend time outside with my 70-year-old mother. 

It has also meant learning to be satisfied with the occasional walk in the neighborhood and to stop pressuring my mom to do outdoor activities that she doesn’t feel comfortable doing—even those she once enjoyed. It’s definitely an emotional hurdle. My mother was the person who first introduced me to gardening, to long walks, and to distance running. As far back as I can remember, she encouraged my love of Nature. I have memories of shutting my eyes tight and pressing my face into her back while she confidently steered our moped up and down the rolling hillsides of Chios in the Aegean Sea; holding her hand while we walked for miles through ancient ruins in Izmir, Turkey; pumping my short legs to keep up with her during morning runs; watching our barefoot, bare-chested neighbor carry her through floodwaters to reach our front door in small town Georgia; playing tee ball together; and pulling weeds alongside her at almost every place we’ve ever lived. My mom was an adventurous, outdoorsy person right up until the moment she wasn’t; right up until she began to feel more comfortable at home far away from crowds and people. And even though it’s her choice, I’m the person who can’t let it go. 

4. Bring a little one 

Whether you walk indoors or outdoors or don’t walk at all, multigenerational family time is a great way to go! Your little nieces and nephews or your own little ones probably can’t walk that far either and they may also need assistance—a much needed reminder that being outside isn’t about pushing your body to the limit every single time (or ever!). There are many, many ways to enjoy Nature.

Kids generally don’t care about destination hikes and they tend to spend time on things that interest them—rocks, caterpillars, dandelions and Cocomelon. Spending time with the youngest and oldest members of your family may seem like a lot of work (it is), but it can also be worthwhile. It’s a reminder that our interdependence is valuable. Many of us come from collectivist cultures so we already know this to be true. But living in western society, which constantly pushes individualism, can take a toll on our mental health and cultural norms.

We’re told that independence and freedom are preferable to living with family members, supporting or being supported by them. People who require extra help, whether due to disability or age or some other reason are looked down upon. For this reason and others, prioritizing time with the people in your life—big and small—who are most dependent on others for care and support is literally an act of resistance.