Queer Women Are Not Scary: 9 Simple Steps to Find Your First Girlfriend
Queer women are not “scary”. You’re just a little inexperienced, and that’s okay. Photo credit: iStock
Content warning: This article is intended for an 18+ audience, and may not be suitable for younger readers.
On TikTok and Instagram, bisexual and pansexual women are finally getting the visibility and online community we deserve. Unfortunately, that also includes cringeworthy moments, like the current trend of bi/pan women talking, joking and even singing about how queer women are ‘scary’, ‘intimidating’ or ‘hard to talk to’.
It’s embarrassing to identify as “somewhere between bi and lesbian” when this sort of content gets so much play. It reinforces harmful stereotypes and for many lesbians, it’s why they don’t date bi women.
Would you go around saying Black people are intimidating and insist that they take it as a compliment? No you wouldn’t. It’s not the compliment you think it is. Just admit that you have no game because of compulsory heterosexuality—or comphet. That is expected and perfectly okay.
However, it’s not okay to create a false narrative about queer women that conveniently excuses you from actually getting to know them, date them, or simply be in community with them. Queer women are “scary”? Nah, just call me a slur.
Bi women, our comphet is showing. Queer women aren’t intimidating, or particularly hard to talk to. Many of us simply struggle with rewriting the social scripts we’ve followed our entire lives—for dating, friendship and life—which were designed for straight women. Think about it.
Growing up, I watched Claire Danes fall for onscreen versions of Jared Leto and Leonardo DiCaprio. I spent six seasons watching Carrie Bradshaw make up and break up with Mr. Big. And I was Team Edward, of course. More recently, I’ve rooted for Devi to end up with Paxton Hall Yoshida, for Peter Kavinsky to win Lara Jean’s heart and for Jackie to forget about the Walter Boys and go back to Manhattan.
The point is, we’ve been programmed since birth to care about heteronormative love and relationships. It seems harmless enough, but not seeing sapphic relationships on screen or in books limits your ability to imagine yourself falling in love with another woman.
We aren’t born knowing how to flirt, meet cute, or resolve a love triangle in favor of Mr. Tall, Dark, Handsome and Emotionally Unavailable. Society teaches us that—whether we’re interested or not. It’s one reason why it’s so important to support queer filmmakers, showrunners and authors! Not having representation can cause you to repeat harmful stereotypes, like ‘queer women are scary.’
Obviously this impacts all queer people. Lesbians also grew up without social scripts for dating women and falling in love—apart from the L Word, Buffy and a handful of queer coded shows.
That is one reason why, bi/pan women sound silly when we insist that ‘queer women are intimidating’ as a backhanded compliment; or as justification for why we’ve never even attempted to date women—despite our obvious attraction to them; or as an explanation for why we don’t know how to get past, “Oh my god, you’re so pretty” in the talking stage.
But it’s not quite the same for us, is it?
Since many of us have some level of romantic or sexual attraction to men, it’s too easy to lapse into the pattern of exclusively dating them. After all, dating women would mean deviating from what our families and friends expect of us. Being bi is “just a phase”, right? Meanwhile society centers heterosexual relationships and rewards us for seeking male validation.
So we stick to what we know, and we miss out on the opportunity to experience the full range of our sexuality, and fall in love with another woman.
Bi/pan women, there’s nothing wrong with admitting that we lack experience. Instead of resorting to stereotypes, we could just admit that we’ve never flirted with a woman before or that we’ve never been in a WLW relationship. Our inexperience and lack of knowledge are what’s holding us back—not other queer women.
If we’re honest, we’re also still deconstructing our heteronormative beliefs, which teach us that only men should pursue women, only men should ask women out and only men should initiate sex.
It’s unfair and harmful to say that queer women are intimidating. Are you intimidating? No, you’re just a little insecure. And yet you hear other bi/pan women repeating the “scary lesbian” trope on social media, so you say it too. It’s supposed to be self deprecating. Or a compliment? Except it’s not. It’s offensive.
If you’ve read this far, it’s probably because you’re hoping I’ll make good on the title. I appreciate your patience. So, let’s pivot.
Let’s talk about how to get a girlfriend.
My qualifications: I came out in my 30s. I identify as ‘somewhere between bi and lesbian’.
How it’s going: currently navigating a WLW break up but otherwise good.
I knew for a long time that I was attracted to women, but I felt very much locked into the script of attempting to date men and just being very bad at it. My solution was to prioritize emotionally unavailable types and to avoid men who were actually interested in me because, um, no thank you. I could go on, but if you know, you know (and if you don’t, read the Am I A Lesbian masterdoc). Eventually, I gradually stopped dating men and started dating other genders.
While I never thought queer women were scary, I definitely felt limited for years by my lack of experience and absolute zero game. I’ve made a lot of mistakes so you don’t have to!
So, having no other qualifications other than being a disaster bi/lesbian who knows exactly what you’re going through, here are my tips for getting a girlfriend.
1. Find your local sapphic community on Meetup/Instagram and put every upcoming event on your calendar
I recently went through a break up and as soon as I did, I went on Meetup.com, and added myself to every lesbian/sapphic group I could find in my local area. That actually turned out to be a lot. Then I went into the settings of my iPhone and gave Meetup access to my calendar so as soon as I signed up for an event it automatically populated on my Apple calendar. This is an aggressive approach but I knew I needed queer community and I needed it fast. Not to escape men (my ex is a woman), but because I had been craving queer community for years without doing shit about it.
Don’t make the mistake of signing up for LGBTQ events. Those are fine but if you want to cozy up to a fellow sapphic—whether another woman or a nonbinary baddie—you need to go where sapphics hang out. Non-specific LGBTQ events are typically not that. This may require you to clear your calendar. It’s worth it. Not because you have to give up all of your other pursuits in life (climbing, craft beer, hiking—frankly those activities already sound very gay), but because you need to do a hard pivot. There will be time later to reshuffle and add those activities back in.
If I can do this, you can too! I am an introvert who feels more comfortable in small groups; an outdoorsy person who feels more comfortable in Nature; and a small town girl who still hasn’t adapted to city living after seven years—so yeah, I had to literally drag myself to meetups at first, and I’m glad I did.
The most important part of queer community is being surrounded by friends, activities and spaces that validate your queer identity and allow you to take up space. It’s time to center queerness in your life if you haven’t already. There’s nothing wrong with being the only bisexual in your friend group and having to shrug off offensive comments, stereotypes and unwanted sexual advances from strangers but…this is better.
Sapphic community is the end goal—not dating—although it’ll help, I promise. You need community with other sapphics to thrive. Yes, it’s also a dating pool because there are so few of us. But having emotional and mental support is the whole point. As one TikTok creator mentioned, if you skip this very important step, your first girlfriend will become your only queer friend, your only source of queer community—and if you break up, that will destroy your mental health. So please prioritize finding a sapphic community first.
2. Relax. No one cares if you’re bi-curious, a baby bi, a disaster bi, or a soly poly pansexual
@__lawyerbae #stitch with @Her how bi girls act is SO influenced by heteronormative framing and we’ve gotta let that go friends 🥲 😭😭😭🎀🫶🏽💘🎀 #bisexual #bisexual🏳️🌈 #bisexualtiktok #blackbisexuals #blackbigirls #bisexualtiktok #bisexualpanic #bisexuality #wlw #wlwtiktok #wlwtok #wlwdating #wlwdatingtips #femmesoftiktok #fypage #fypシ゚viral #foryou ♬ original sound - Lawyerbae
The events I go to mostly have the word lesbian in the title. When I initially showed up I was determined not to let people know I was bi. Why? Because I’ve seen the “No couples, no men, no bisexuals” on dating app profiles and I know that biphobia exists. Would they still accept me?
The good news is, there is no litmus test to get through the door at your local sapphic meetup. No one asked me about my sexual identity. They assumed I was there because I like women or non binary lesbians. And that was that. Literally no one asked, “Are you bi or lesbian?”, and it would’ve been pretty out-of-context to bring it up unsolicited—at least initially. So I didn’t. Not until I found a group of women that I connected with. And lo and behold, some of them are also bi/pan. And sure, I’ve met a few gold star lesbians, but they are neither scary nor intimidating. And I’ve met a few who came out in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. I’ve also met no-labels and non-binary lesbians. It’s a nice space.
No one is going to quiz you on your level of sexual or romantic experience. No one is going to ask if you have a male partner. No one is going to ask if you’ve primarily or only dated men your entire life. No one cares. In the corner, holding hands with her girlfriend, is a late in life masc lesbian who is still co-parenting teenagers with her ex husband. And no one cares.
So relax! You got this. Your personal business is your own. You’re here to socialize and make friends. Enjoy being in a space that centers sapphic relationships.
If your local sapphic meetup gatekeeps, this is not a healthy community for you. I know it’s easy for me to say ‘find another one’, when that could mean driving hours to a larger city. But please try your best to find another one.
In my city, almost all of the sapphic meetups have the word lesbian in the title. That’s not the same as gatekeeping. The word itself evokes a lot of history, activism, shared culture and meaning and it isn’t meant to exclude bisexuals. These spaces are still open to bi and pan women and that’s typically in the description. But they are spaces that center women who love other women/enbies. You may also love men and that’s great. If you need to nourish that side of you, simply read a book, or open a streaming app. Heterosexual relationships are everywhere, they are normalized, subsidized by tax dollars, they have God’s official blessing—apparently—and they don’t need affinity spaces.
If you have a cis male partner or paramour, please leave them at home unless there is a medical reason for them to accompany you. They are not welcome here. Queer women have so few spaces that are just for us. Queer women are not the scary, intimidating, impossible to talk to people you have made us out to be. You don’t need a man to protect you from the ‘scary lesbians’. Stop that shit.
3. Find other sapphic women to connect with
After a few meetups, I found a small group of women that I connected with. I had been in a no new friends slump for awhile (long backstory), so I forgot that new friendships take a lot of work and a lot of trial and error to see if we’re actually compatible. No, being bi or lesbian isn’t enough, we have to have more in common for the friendship to last. But, for me, it’s currently a minimum.
I centered friendships with straight-identifying people for so long; I was finally ready to put in the work to cultivate queer friendships.
I spent a significant portion of my life befriending women who only ever talked about the men they were dating or interested in. I have also been those women. So now, I’m prioritizing friendships with sapphic women who have de-centered men in their lives. And who have their own interests and lives outside of their partner, regardless of gender.
My end goal was to find a few women to connect with outside of the standard happy hours, and it worked! I still go to sapphic happy hours at local bars and breweries, but now we also go to brunch, concerts, book clubs, hikes, dog parks, and comedy shows.
And now I don’t have to show up to every sapphic community event alone—although kudos to the women who do! I still do as well.
A brief aside. Why is it important to have queer women friends? There are plenty of lesbians who don’t have other queer friends—this isn’t just an issue for bi/pan women who primarily date men. There's nothing wrong with having mostly straight friends but you will slowly starve yourself without queer friends and community. You will gradually take up less and less space or you’ll become accustomed to taking up no space at all. Straight friends are great but you need space to talk about queer issues—especially if your particular issue is not feeling confident about talking to other women.
4. Explore your identity
Buy a few more bi/pan pride flags if that’s your thing, but also explore other aspects of your identity. Sapphic culture is vast. It’s time to watch films, read books, support local queer artists, and immerse yourself in a sapphic enemies-to-lovers romance courtesy of your local library, bookstore, Wattpad or Webtoons.
Before you start dating a #femme4femme, only to decide you feel more comfortable dressing and identifying as masc, you should probably do some homework. Explore your identity a little bit. The labels are there for shared community, culture, and history—not to trap you—but because we’re grateful to our stud, dyke, and butch ancestors for holding the line. We know our history and the struggle trans lesbians endured. So figure out which labels, identities and sub-cultures, if any, work for you.
Exploring your identity is still important, even and especially if you have a male partner. Leave that man at home, and go hang out with your bi/pan and lesbian friends. So often, the most visible representation we have of bi women exploring their sexuality is through heterosexual male partners via a dating app—or by inviting male friends to accompany them to the local lesbian bar. Leave that man at home and go frolick with other queers.
5. Set your dating profiles to queer women and nonbinary lesbians only
If you’ve personally always defaulted to dating men despite your obvious attraction to other genders, it’s time to set your dating profiles to queer women and nonbinary lesbians only.
Okay so you swiped right on a girl. You’ve texted “How was your day?”, even though you hate when men try that low effort opening line with you. She responded with “Fine. How was your day?” You said “Great” and the conversation died until she unmatched a week later. Uh oh.
Time to respawn and try again. Next time, find something in her profile that stands out to you, like her music interests, a book she’s currently obsessed with, recent travel destinations, the fuzzy, white dog in every photo, and ask her about it. Go for open-ended questions that don’t have a yes or no answer. Do not say, “You’re so pretty, oh my god.” I mean you can, but that comes across as, let’s go shopping—not, let’s grab drinks and make out.
You can always opt for a very direct approach. “You’re incredibly gorgeous and I’d love to get to know you better over dinner.”
6. Practice approaching queer women in public
Recently, a woman approached me in a LGBTQ+ bar and said the following: “You’re beautiful, can I get your number?” She was 24. I know because, after nearly choking on my drink, I asked her how old she was. I thanked her for the compliment but declined. Do I look like Leonardo DiCaprio? But I made sure to tell her how much I appreciated her confidence and directness (and I did).
@hoetotheworld I dont wanna be your baby i wanna be your daddy 😩🤭 #wlw #wlwtiktok #lesbian #lesbiansotiktok #wlwlesbian ♬ original sound - JayP3
Here’s how I convinced my ex to go out with me. I asked her out for coffee, which turned into grabbing drinks at a local bar, which turned into “Hey, I’m really interested in you.” For the record, she disputes this. Okay, so maybe I’m not the smooth talker I thought I was but we figured things out and began dating. We met through an athletic team—not a queer event. And neither of us knew for sure how the other identified sexually. So that was tricky. But coffee felt like a pretty harmless way to find out.
Everyone is different, but if I tell a woman that she is pretty or that I like her style, hair, clothes, shoes, it’s just a compliment, not a come-on. If I’m interested in a woman, I ask her about herself, her interests, what she’s passionate about, if she’s um, seeing anyone. But that’s me personally. I like directness.
The best way to improve your sapphic dating odds is to attend your local sapphic events. Don’t risk it all with the general public like I did. Many sapphic happy hours use stoplight name tags. So, lock eyes across the room with a knockout woman or enby with a green name tag. If you don’t like making the first move, that’s fine. Maybe they’ll come to you. Maybe they won’t. If you want to practice flirting, go up and introduce yourself.
If you struggle with social anxiety, I suggest you skip the happy hours and attend events that are more structured like a queer yoga class, craft night, book club, hiking or volunteer group. Keep showing up.
For everyone else, here are some basic openers that I use. I cannot guarantee results:
Is this your first time here?
So what do you do for fun, when you’re not at [insert name of event]?
How long have you lived in the city?
Are you streaming any good shows? Or listening to any good podcasts at the moment?
Are you on the apps? I keep deleting and reinstalling Hinge and Her.
If the conversation is going well, and you feel a mutual connection, you could always ask for their contact information, and follow up with an invitation for coffee, lunch, dinner or drinks. You could also be bold and invite her to make future plans on the spot—if there’s interest. I’ve also done the, “Do you mind if we go somewhere quieter?”—but mostly because I’m not a fan of super loud events and I connect best one-on-one.
Anyone can flirt! Or express interest. Or pursue a woman romantically or sexually. These aren’t gendered activities despite what society teaches us. So, let’s practice! There’s no need to blame queer women because we don’t know how to do something that society never taught us how to do.
If you’re a masc bisexual, you could always just show up. Apparently there’s a shortage. Someone will scoop you up!
7. It’s time to go on dates
How to ask a queer woman out:
Asking a woman out is no different from asking a man out, but if you’ve never done either, let’s check out a few example scripts.
I recommend gauging interest first:
I know a great restaurant off Georgia Avenue. Do you like Ethiopian food? [pause]
You know, a new cafe just opened on Main St. It looks super cute, I’ve been meaning to try it. [pause]
It’s a little loud in here. I was thinking about grabbing a drink at the bar upstairs where it’s quieter [pause]
I follow this incredible queer local artist. You would love them. They’re playing downtown on Friday. I’m thinking about getting tickets…[pause]
Are you hungry? I know a vegan spot a few blocks away [pause]
…Do you want to join me?
I’m not a dating coach. I just like food, music and women. Those are my only qualifications, so please do what works best for you. And if someone declines, that’s okay. The advice for women is the same as it would be for men—keep it moving and try not to take it personally.
Who pays
Go on dates. If you don’t want to jump into romantic dinners, start with casual coffee dates. They’re a great informal way to get to know someone and to figure out if there’s a connection. If you’re not sure how to figure out who pays, arrive early and pay for your own coffee.
There are no rules for who pays, by the way. Everyone is different. Generally, if I ask a woman out, I pay. The reverse has also been true in my experience. And of course some people prefer splitting the check. Since there are no hard-and-fast social scripts, it may require more communication (than hetero dates). That’s okay!
When do I tell her I’m bi/pan
I would tell her before you ask her out, or when you ask her out, or early on the first date. Some (not all) lesbians prefer not to date bi women. Yes, it has to do with biphobia, but it also has to do with being catfished by couples. Also, many bi/pan sapphics forget to unpack their lesbophobia, comphet and heteronormativity before they begin dating women. This lateral violence within the sapphic community goes both ways. We all have work to do.
Either way, you should let her know. There are plenty of lesbians who like dating bi women. There are also plenty of queer women who identify as bi/pan. If you get rejected, try not to take it personally. It’s a community issue.
We have a connection, how do I keep it going?
Make follow-up plans. It doesn’t have to be at a restaurant or bar—in this economy?
You could invite her over for dinner, or to a free museum, or to stroll through a farmers market, or to a group hike.
You could invite her up to your apartment after a night out.
You could ask if she wants to come over and make out on your couch and see where that leads.
If you prefer to be pursued, you could drop hints about food you like, weekends you’re free, or an art exhibit you really want to check out, and see what happens.
8. Omg. I have no sexual experience with women. What do I do?
Generally speaking, you should do what feels good for you and your partner in the moment. But I understand the dilemma. We’ve all been there. You should definitely tell your partner ahead of time and let them know if you feel nervous or want to take things slow.
But also sapphic sex is not a one-size-fits all. It literally isn’t, some of us have different equipment. It’s what you want it to be and there’s a significant range when it comes to preferences, from stone tops and their pillow princesses to dom femmes and the masc subs that love them. And switches, of course.
Just because you present a certain way, doesn’t mean you should feel pressure to top or bottom. Plus, those are just labels. Good sex requires lots of communication.
Don’t worry about being an inexperienced bi. Plenty of queer women are into that. Just communicate with your partner, take it slow (or fast), and soon enough you’ll be buying toys and lube together, and trying new positions.
9. I finally have a girlfriend. What do I do now?
Congratulations on your first sapphic relationship! You should stay immersed in your local queer community. Don’t ghost just because you have a girlfriend. Carve out time to keep attending local events and to nurture the friendships you’ve worked so hard to build.
Your friends are your friends and her friends are hers. You should each try to spend time separately with your friends. This rule doesn’t apply to everyone but it does to most. I hope your relationship lasts forever, but if it doesn’t, you don’t want to lose your girlfriend, your community and your friends in a single devastating moment because you merged every single aspect of your lives. It’s okay to have separate friend groups. It’s okay to go to the crag, put in, book club, or happy hour without your girlfriend. If it’s ‘not okay’, that’s a separate conversation.
Now, it’s time to work on communication, conflict resolution, boundary setting and other relationship stuff. The usual stuff that people deal with across the spectrum of sexuality. Best of luck!
…it’s time to rest; to confront our burnout by putting down the work. The liberation movements we belong to are not a short term thing. They will occupy our entire lives, and possibly the lives of our children and their children. The work is never done. So rest for a time. And recharge, until hope feels more tangible.